“If you know your weaknesses, you will not be enslaved by them”

            This last Friday my therapist and I came to the decision that I would begin the Termination Process by which I will gradually “wean” myself off of therapy. After almost three years of meeting with him on a weekly basis, I am finally at a place where I am no longer enslaved by myself. I credit this to two processes. One of which came way before therapy, which is the building of a strong and solid core, at the very center of which is my faith, and I have Mom and Dad to thank for that. The second process was freeing me from Self. While I still have and will, for the rest of my life, continue to experience the chemical fluctuation in my body, I am now aware of them and they no longer have control over me. I am able to feel and see the signs and symptoms of the fluctuations, acknowledge them for what they are, and adjust accordingly. At the current moment, this by no means easy, but I am learning and know that one day adjusting will become less of a challenge.

            As so many things in life, going through this has also revealed a truth about my faith journey. Temptations, which are our weaknesses, are always present and different for each and every one of us. However, the more we study ourselves the more we are able to truly acknowledge our weakness and come to an understanding of why a temptation is particularly a struggle for us. Through this process, we can free ourselves from that temptation. This doesn’t mean that we won’t ever be tempted again or give in to that temptation, because it will always be there; but we will be able to notice the signs and symptoms, and adjust accordingly. After all, God never brings us to the foot of a mountain without proving us with all we need to get over it, we just need to look around and find the stuff.

No Day But Today

In the wee unnatural hours of the morning (how I ever woke up at this time to go to work, I will never know) my brain has gotten stuck on the song No Day but Today from Rent. As lay here in bed not sleepimng, I am reminded that while the title of this song is very correct, that today is the only day we have to live, the other line, "your life is yours to live" is inacurate. As a Christian, I believe that my life is not mine to live, but rather a gift from God to be used for the ultimate purpose of readying myself and those placed in my life for thje second coming. The question then arises, "What is it then that I'm supposed to do to with my life?" because when one is given such a great gift and one comes to realize the grandure of this gift, it can scare the crap out of you! However, I am starting to realize that all we ca really do is wake up each morning (that is if you ever fall asleep in the first place) and say "God, you gave me this gift, I don't entirley know what to do with it, so I offer it to you and let Your will be done." foe there truly is, "no day but today."

"Remember, this is not your home"

Words written by my mother in a letter to me my Senior year of high school. The year after high school was spent away from Indianapolis, IN. Away from my family, exploring who I was and trying to build my own foundation in life (which come to find out, the foundation of my life was already quite solidly and well laid. It's what was on top of that foundation that needed demolishing and rebuilding). I learned during that time, that while it was possible to live away from my family, that I didn't want to.I love my family and over the years I have learned more from them than I can begin to put into words or thoughts. My family has always led me to God and God has always led me right back to my family.  However, in the last couple years these words have come back to pester the frail sense of stability that I have finally begun to find in my life. I have spent the 6 years, over half of those years in therapy, searching and yearning for some stability in my life. I don't like ambiguity in life and change never arrives at my door step without his cousins apprehension and panic. I have finally found a job that is never surprising, the same week in and week out. I have lived in the same apartment for 17 months now and have stayed at my current place of employment for 15 months; both record breakers in my book. I have a dog that I brings enjoyment into my life and provides me with companionship. I have found a Church that for the first time in my whole life I walk into and feel at home. Even as I write this down, I can feel myself calming down. It looks so good on paper, exactly what I've been looking for! Yet, every day I feel God is slowly pushing me out the door onto my next adventure....

"Remember this is not your home." These words keep popping up in my head, shortly followed by that story in the Bible about how we need to be willing to leave our family to follow Him if he asks such from us (Mark 10:29). For the past 2 years, I have had a pull inside me to go to Ireland. I don't know why, but I do know that God wants me to go there. The last few months, the pull had become stronger and stronger and with this pull comes change and his two cousins. In my head I have no problem leaving. I know that that this world is not my home and I am here only momentarily to do the work of God before coming home to Him. I know this in my head and have come to peace with it. My heart, on the other hand is having trouble with leaving. This is a "tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme" with me; I yearn for stability, yet when I find it, God pulls me away. I have come to realize why He does this. When I have stability, my life becomes like stagnant lake. Peaceful, but begins to grow algi and scum pods. For this reason, I am glad that I am being called to new adventures. I need to dust off the old hiking boots and clean the mothballs off my duffel. However, this also means getting rid of all the things that have accumulated in my life over the last 17+ months. I am not a clutter nut, but I am nostalgic and probably keep things I should have gotten rid of years ago (like those dollar store valentines from 2nd grade). So, before I start on the next Grand Adventure of my life, God is presenting the challenge before me of getting rid of all my stuff that I have and consolidating my life into a hope chest, 1 plastic storage tub, and two duffel bags. 

And so the Adventure begins.....

God Spoke In the Silence

On Holy Saturday I went on a silent retreat and learned three things:

1. I need to be open to ALL human relationships, not just the ones I think will be good for me, but all of them. I came to a realization that in the past I have missed out on many great potential friendships, simply because I  thought they would be a waste of time and someone would get hurt in the end...so I avoided them. I want to learn how to be okay with that and be open to to all relationships, even those that might end in hurt for the other person (it's a lot easier for me to deal with myself being hurt than it is for me to see others hurt because of me).

2. Without rocks, boulders, and pebbles, there would be no gurgling brooks in this world. Not finishing college is a HUGE boulder in my life. Always has been. Always will be. I can't change what it is, but I can change how I look at it. Like many other things in my life that I might try to root out of my life, little pebbles that are bothering me, rocks that, if extracted might make my life a little easier, this boulder is just one more thing in the stream of my life that is making it into a beautiful gurgling brook. Plus, gurgling brooks are more interesting, peaceful, and life-giving than a silent stream of water.

3. I would rather create storms than enjoy the sun. I was sitting inside and the sun was out and it was beautiful; was I drawn out by the sun's beauty? NOoOO, not in the least. However, as soon as it started to cloud over, I ran outside hoping to get caught in the rain. This took me back a bit. Then, as I laid on my back on a large rock, waiting for the rain to come pouring down, the following thought came to me, "What a loony I must look like, staying inside when the sun is shining, yet running outside, giddy with joy when it looks like a storm is a'bruin'." I've spent an overwhelming majority of the last 7 year (give or take a few), fighting storms in my life and have never learned how to enjoy the calm waters of a beautiful day. My comfort zone is inside a storm. I know what I need to do in order to survive the storm. There is proto-call and a list of things that must be checked and double checked to ensure that all comes out of the storm safe and sound. There is always something to do in a storm. That is when I'm in the zone and at my best! However, when the sun is shining and there is a quiet gentle breeze, forget it! I'm not very good at twiddling my thumbs. When the sun comes out I go inside and twiddle my thumbs until the next storm comes around. Sometimes, I'll even create storms, or misread a fluffy white cloud for a storm cloud and make an idiot out of myself running around the deck preparing the ship for an imaginary storm.

Well, that's what I learned on my day of "silence." Now it's off to bed while a storm a'bruis outside!