God Spoke In the Silence

On Holy Saturday I went on a silent retreat and learned three things:

1. I need to be open to ALL human relationships, not just the ones I think will be good for me, but all of them. I came to a realization that in the past I have missed out on many great potential friendships, simply because I  thought they would be a waste of time and someone would get hurt in the end...so I avoided them. I want to learn how to be okay with that and be open to to all relationships, even those that might end in hurt for the other person (it's a lot easier for me to deal with myself being hurt than it is for me to see others hurt because of me).

2. Without rocks, boulders, and pebbles, there would be no gurgling brooks in this world. Not finishing college is a HUGE boulder in my life. Always has been. Always will be. I can't change what it is, but I can change how I look at it. Like many other things in my life that I might try to root out of my life, little pebbles that are bothering me, rocks that, if extracted might make my life a little easier, this boulder is just one more thing in the stream of my life that is making it into a beautiful gurgling brook. Plus, gurgling brooks are more interesting, peaceful, and life-giving than a silent stream of water.

3. I would rather create storms than enjoy the sun. I was sitting inside and the sun was out and it was beautiful; was I drawn out by the sun's beauty? NOoOO, not in the least. However, as soon as it started to cloud over, I ran outside hoping to get caught in the rain. This took me back a bit. Then, as I laid on my back on a large rock, waiting for the rain to come pouring down, the following thought came to me, "What a loony I must look like, staying inside when the sun is shining, yet running outside, giddy with joy when it looks like a storm is a'bruin'." I've spent an overwhelming majority of the last 7 year (give or take a few), fighting storms in my life and have never learned how to enjoy the calm waters of a beautiful day. My comfort zone is inside a storm. I know what I need to do in order to survive the storm. There is proto-call and a list of things that must be checked and double checked to ensure that all comes out of the storm safe and sound. There is always something to do in a storm. That is when I'm in the zone and at my best! However, when the sun is shining and there is a quiet gentle breeze, forget it! I'm not very good at twiddling my thumbs. When the sun comes out I go inside and twiddle my thumbs until the next storm comes around. Sometimes, I'll even create storms, or misread a fluffy white cloud for a storm cloud and make an idiot out of myself running around the deck preparing the ship for an imaginary storm.

Well, that's what I learned on my day of "silence." Now it's off to bed while a storm a'bruis outside!