"Remember, this is not your home"

Words written by my mother in a letter to me my Senior year of high school. The year after high school was spent away from Indianapolis, IN. Away from my family, exploring who I was and trying to build my own foundation in life (which come to find out, the foundation of my life was already quite solidly and well laid. It's what was on top of that foundation that needed demolishing and rebuilding). I learned during that time, that while it was possible to live away from my family, that I didn't want to.I love my family and over the years I have learned more from them than I can begin to put into words or thoughts. My family has always led me to God and God has always led me right back to my family.  However, in the last couple years these words have come back to pester the frail sense of stability that I have finally begun to find in my life. I have spent the 6 years, over half of those years in therapy, searching and yearning for some stability in my life. I don't like ambiguity in life and change never arrives at my door step without his cousins apprehension and panic. I have finally found a job that is never surprising, the same week in and week out. I have lived in the same apartment for 17 months now and have stayed at my current place of employment for 15 months; both record breakers in my book. I have a dog that I brings enjoyment into my life and provides me with companionship. I have found a Church that for the first time in my whole life I walk into and feel at home. Even as I write this down, I can feel myself calming down. It looks so good on paper, exactly what I've been looking for! Yet, every day I feel God is slowly pushing me out the door onto my next adventure....

"Remember this is not your home." These words keep popping up in my head, shortly followed by that story in the Bible about how we need to be willing to leave our family to follow Him if he asks such from us (Mark 10:29). For the past 2 years, I have had a pull inside me to go to Ireland. I don't know why, but I do know that God wants me to go there. The last few months, the pull had become stronger and stronger and with this pull comes change and his two cousins. In my head I have no problem leaving. I know that that this world is not my home and I am here only momentarily to do the work of God before coming home to Him. I know this in my head and have come to peace with it. My heart, on the other hand is having trouble with leaving. This is a "tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme" with me; I yearn for stability, yet when I find it, God pulls me away. I have come to realize why He does this. When I have stability, my life becomes like stagnant lake. Peaceful, but begins to grow algi and scum pods. For this reason, I am glad that I am being called to new adventures. I need to dust off the old hiking boots and clean the mothballs off my duffel. However, this also means getting rid of all the things that have accumulated in my life over the last 17+ months. I am not a clutter nut, but I am nostalgic and probably keep things I should have gotten rid of years ago (like those dollar store valentines from 2nd grade). So, before I start on the next Grand Adventure of my life, God is presenting the challenge before me of getting rid of all my stuff that I have and consolidating my life into a hope chest, 1 plastic storage tub, and two duffel bags. 

And so the Adventure begins.....

God Spoke In the Silence

On Holy Saturday I went on a silent retreat and learned three things:

1. I need to be open to ALL human relationships, not just the ones I think will be good for me, but all of them. I came to a realization that in the past I have missed out on many great potential friendships, simply because I  thought they would be a waste of time and someone would get hurt in the end...so I avoided them. I want to learn how to be okay with that and be open to to all relationships, even those that might end in hurt for the other person (it's a lot easier for me to deal with myself being hurt than it is for me to see others hurt because of me).

2. Without rocks, boulders, and pebbles, there would be no gurgling brooks in this world. Not finishing college is a HUGE boulder in my life. Always has been. Always will be. I can't change what it is, but I can change how I look at it. Like many other things in my life that I might try to root out of my life, little pebbles that are bothering me, rocks that, if extracted might make my life a little easier, this boulder is just one more thing in the stream of my life that is making it into a beautiful gurgling brook. Plus, gurgling brooks are more interesting, peaceful, and life-giving than a silent stream of water.

3. I would rather create storms than enjoy the sun. I was sitting inside and the sun was out and it was beautiful; was I drawn out by the sun's beauty? NOoOO, not in the least. However, as soon as it started to cloud over, I ran outside hoping to get caught in the rain. This took me back a bit. Then, as I laid on my back on a large rock, waiting for the rain to come pouring down, the following thought came to me, "What a loony I must look like, staying inside when the sun is shining, yet running outside, giddy with joy when it looks like a storm is a'bruin'." I've spent an overwhelming majority of the last 7 year (give or take a few), fighting storms in my life and have never learned how to enjoy the calm waters of a beautiful day. My comfort zone is inside a storm. I know what I need to do in order to survive the storm. There is proto-call and a list of things that must be checked and double checked to ensure that all comes out of the storm safe and sound. There is always something to do in a storm. That is when I'm in the zone and at my best! However, when the sun is shining and there is a quiet gentle breeze, forget it! I'm not very good at twiddling my thumbs. When the sun comes out I go inside and twiddle my thumbs until the next storm comes around. Sometimes, I'll even create storms, or misread a fluffy white cloud for a storm cloud and make an idiot out of myself running around the deck preparing the ship for an imaginary storm.

Well, that's what I learned on my day of "silence." Now it's off to bed while a storm a'bruis outside!